If you’re shying away from discussing the subject of death with your children, you’re not alone. It’s natural to want to protect your children from death, but learning how to see discussions as opportunities can make the whole topic of death easier for children to understand.
They’re paying attention
Children are great observers, and they will become aware if something big is going on and they aren’t included in it. Sometimes, said St. Elizabeth Healthcare maternal child chaplain Liz Youngs, simple, straightforward explanations can go a long way.
“Children have a broad capacity to understand,” she said. “If you don’t include them in something that’s visibly causing you grief, they’re left to their imaginations and, oftentimes, fear of the unknown is worse than reality.”
How to start the conversation
When talking to your children about death, use age-appropriate language. According to the National Institutes of Health, preschool-aged children usually see death as reversible, temporary and impersonal. Between the ages of 5 and 9, most children realize that death is final, and that all living things must die. They still don’t see it as personal, though. So, keep it simple and keep it at their level. You can start with a dead flower you notice on a walk, for example, or a dead insect.
Also, start the dialogue when emotions aren’t involved.
“Talk to your child before an issue comes up so they’re prepared,” Youngs said.
If your father, for instance, just turned 90 and is in the hospital, talk to your kids about how 90 is old, and how it makes sense that grandpa isn’t feeling well.
Finally, let your children know that you don’t have all the answers. They’re going to figure it out at some point anyways. You might as well tell them yourself.
Here are five tips from the NIH for talking to children about death:
- Be sensitive to children’s desires to communicate when they are ready
- Maintain an openness that encourages children’s attempts to communicate
- Listen to and accept children’s feelings
- Offer children honest explanations when you’re obviously upset
- Answer questions in simple language appropriate for their age
By talking to your children about death, you’re letting them know that it’s OK to talk about it. It also lets you discover what their misconceptions, fears and worries might be surrounding death.
Talking about death may not make everything better, but if we don’t talk about it, we’re more limited in our ability to help our children.
