Admit it. There have been times you considered throwing your laptop out the office window, or telling that coworker just what you really thought of them. The steam comes out of all our ears from time to time.
For the most part, it’s a passing impulse. Pushing back from your desk, or getting a cup of coffee gives you a second to reconsider. The anger might still be there – it may be there the rest of the day – but at least you’ve avoided an appointment with human resources.
Anger is already a powerful emotion. Add stress, frustration and a deadline to the mix, it can give the emotion more power than what’s healthy. If you find yourself reaching your boiling point more often or with greater intensity, say the experts at Psychology Today, chances are that you’ve passed that point where you can handle it on your own.
If you have anger management issues that need professional help, chances are you already know it.
“Anger has power – but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with that power, from letting it control you to wielding it in a way that spurs you on to something positive,” says Dr. Andrea Bonior, a psychologist, anger management specialist and longtime “Check Your Baggage” columnist with the Washington Post.
Bonior has seven tips for when the pot begins to boil. As it turns out, the old “count to 10” advice isn’t far off the mark. Many of the psychologist’s tips involve stepping away for a moment and really looking at what’s making you angry, then thinking through your reaction.
The first tip: Own it. Pretending you’re not ticked off doesn’t help you. In fact, it often clamps the lid down tighter on the pressure cooker, meaning when things blow, it’ll blow with greater vehemence. Own it. Let others know you’re not happy. That’s not to say it’s tantrum time – it’s alright to be angry, just don’t let it become a bigger issue than it is.
After that, Bonior says, deal with the physical aspects of anger. Slow down your breathing, stretch a little to release muscle tension. Take a walk. Even a primal scream, preferably not in the middle of the office, can help. Tears can, too. “Instead of letting your frustration burn you up, you can burn it off,” she says.
Find the big picture. If you’re still feeling the burn, take another step back and look at the big picture. Catalogue the things in your life that make you grateful. There are probably a few friends right there in the office that you’re thankful you have. Is your home life an oasis? Are your weekends more than just a time to recuperate? Is it better to have a job than be among the millions of Americans who don’t? See? The big picture can lower the temperature level considerably.
Then, it’s time to start working on a solution.
Break down the problem, Bonior writes. Scribble down the problem. Look at it from various angles. Is there a simple solution? Is there a reason it makes you angrier than normal? Identify the factors. If the problem is with a coworker, are there reasons they’re acting the way they are? A family illness? Home problems? Try to see all sides, she advises.
Trying sharing with one of those valued work friends, or make a private call to a trusted friend. Talk it through. Find options.
Finally, Bonior says, it’s time to act. Set a plan with specific goals. Checking them off can lead to a much-needed sense of control and achievement, reducing stress and “increasing the peace.”
Of course, for some, all of these steps might not help enough. Bonior advises keeping a watch on yourself for lingering anger or ill-feelings. It’s like a house fire, she says. Firefighters don’t go home as soon as the fire’s out. They watch for flare-ups. And, of course, don’t be afraid to ask for professional help. Most offices have a helpline or programs to help employees, ones that they’d rather you use than lose a valuable part of the office.
